As much as I have tried to fill my heart with patience, good deeds, and low expectations, I find I still suffer. I suffer from lack of support, lack of warmth, and mostly, a hollow heart. I am trying, though. I am trying to stay happy, hopeful, and fulfilled. Really, I am happy! I love my life; though, there are bumps and rough edges. I admit, I did not have the most stable childhood, and to this day, I am unsure if life choices came from my upbringing or independent spirit. Sure, I had to make it ... all by myself, with little support. In fact, to this day, I have little support from loved ones for whatever reasons besides selfishness, mental health, and perhaps, their own upbringing. For, I come from a small family tree, which is somewhat broken. So many branches and green leaves have fallen off; yet, still, I persist.
It is like falling down. Sometimes, I fall so hard, I cannot get back up - rather, I feel as if I cannot rise, but then I do. I get up and face another day. I face my life - practically alone - even if I do have a beautiful family in which I also helped to create. In fact, I have a beautiful life! The sun shines down on us, and we are so blessed because we all work so hard; yet, still, I remain lonely.
I cannot help but think I will always be alone. Indeed, I must face each challenge alone, and sometimes, each reward. Really, it appears that life is about achievements and tests; we are constantly being tested on morality and human endeavors. Is it my own doing? Is everything of my own doing? Am I the sole creator of my life, or am I randomly selected to experience various types of activities to which I must adhere? Perhaps there is no such thing as fate. Perhaps there are no higher powers which assist humanity in either rising or falling. After all, that is all hocus-pocus! So, then, what is the exact definition of morality... and to whom? Just because I am a fractional part of humanity does not mean I cannot define things on my own. I am my own person, and still, I continue on.
I do not have a hollow heart. In fact, it is filled with genuine love, compassion, kindness, and gratitude. I am happy. I am grateful. I notice blessings and am thankful for sunshine and security. I have hope, and I try to not allow fear to get the best of me as I fill my head with nonsense - the kind that is constantly reported on TV or social media. Okay, so it may not all be nonsense, but a true portrayal of various activities taking place on Earth in which I mostly have no control. I cannot decide the destiny of humanity, nor can I steer it clear of certain, fateful tragedies; though, I may add a bit of positivity by sharing, caring, or even just smiling.
Perhaps I have a bit of a hollow heart. Perhaps I do not mean everything I say, feel, or think and I fake a smile to just get by since I have no control over everyday occurrences of random societies. So much goes on, it appears smart not to stop, breathe, and relax. Okay, maybe it is actually healthy to take a break and relax a little by not being so stressed and consumed with constant information that continues to pop up hour by hour, day-by-day. There must be more to life than just nonstop news, communication, dutiful responsibilities, and contributions - not to mention family obligations. There must be more to this hollow existence than what appears to be a black hole getting sucked back into itself, and therefore, back toward eternity.
There must be more to this hollow existence.
