I have thought about this word because I have dealt with ways of cowardice. I do not welcome trouble, competition, or even argument if it involves disrespect, unkindness, or a longing disgrace between another and myself; certainly if some relationship was/is not meant to be, it was/is not meant to be. This to me is not necessarily being cowardly or causing avoidance, it is simply, reality.
In witnessing what being "cowardly" means, I admit I have judged others on what I would consider cowardly because I had originally figured they were otherwise confident. Of course, this judgment was and continues not to be intended as something harmful or vengeful, but instead, in wonder of said people.
An example would be those I figured could easily talk to me, but chose not to do so. Having experienced this as a trait myself, I understand the anguish in mustering up something to say at times; after all, one cannot be ON at all times. And, admittedly, a lot of chances were blown in being unable to say something to someone, which I may have later felt a sort of regret for not having done so.
In coming to realize this timidness I have carried since childhood, I often wondered why I was overly-observant and cautious:
- It's part of My Sun Sign, Scorpio - admittedly, I have found being cautious to be a common trait of the astrological sign, Scorpio.
- Being Asian - Over some years, I have found a lot of people in my area consider Asian people more timid than other races, mostly those from Japanese culture - to which I have Japanese roots.
- Rocky Childhood - As a child growing up in a dysfunctional family during the 1980s and 1990s, and being the baby of my family, I found myself alone and unsupported a lot. I had often yearned for companionship but was too shy to ask as a child. Part of this problem may have stemmed from early-childhood speech problems.
- The Child Within - Psychology teaches an identification of the inner-child. Most of us often refer to this inner child as our "ego." The ego wants and takes as it pleases without thinking about consequences ... until consequences happen! I have not let some aspects go affiliated with my inner child, including timidity.
- Zero to Low Confidence - Ok, STOP! "Confidence," let alone "self-confidence" is tricky to define. If one is confident all the time, one has nothing to worry about with regards to social situations, such as giving a speech, taking risks in business, or even implementing a plan. Yes, that is great if that is anyone who can do that! However, many cannot remain confident at all times, and some do not also lack self-confidence. When one speaks of "self-confidence," one can agree this has more to do with assurance of one's ability and/or acceptance of self.
I am beautiful! I know this! Not because I am in love with my looks but because I have been complemented many times, I do value my worth, and I instill a more loving attitude toward myself and others, at least more often than hate. However, when it comes to having confidence at all times, I will admit, I do not have confidence at ALL times! I am cautious and at times I can be a perfectionist, or simply, too observant. I cannot be all in when I feel I have a lot to risk, meaning I usually weigh benefits and risks before making a final decision. Perhaps this is due to my Virgo moon, which deals more conservative cards than freedom-loving ones, such as those often associated with my rising sign of Sagittarius.
Social Anxiety may be another factor which I may have not known about for a long duration of my life. I do not do well in large groups, but rather, exceed more in personal relationships and smaller groups. In fact, many of us thrive this way; though, capitalist society would have us think differently. The reason is because corporations are huge entities and appear overwhelming. It is a scientific fact, however, that most people perform better in groups of eight, or smaller so that face-to-face contact is more readily available, and not so overwhelming.
Though I may have overestimated the ability of some people to approach me and not act so cowardly, I must admit that I have also faced such anxiety levels and wrongful, egotistical expectations. At one point, I expected those I deemed confident to sweep me off my feet, as if a fantasy role in some modern-day fairytale. The more I figured out my wrongful expectations and assumptions, the more I figured how much of a coward I am, myself.
Until next time, "Seize The Day!" Or, each moment and opportunity.
